Loneliness

You left; life means nothing to me now. After you left, life for me changed drastically. I dedicated my involuntary beats to someone. Please excuse me, for, if I did anything wrong , But it was you, who told me at the last hour, "Never associate loneliness to yourself" didn't you?

I thought by doing this I kept your promise. But surprisingly I was wrong, a bit selfish as well. I was deeply involved in avoiding loneliness only, And never thought the one whom I adored, May not be lacking the essence of loneliness. May be, she felt bad knowing that I had an affair With a strange creature called "loneliness".

Now I doubt, after she said 'no', if I can keep your promise. Forgive me for; I was unable to find someone good. And now your hatred, loneliness, is my companion. It's impossible but because of earthly matters, I may tend to forget you, but my soft corner will never. Though miraculously impossible in reality, But, do visit in my dreams regularly.

All Rights Reserved: Roshan Upadhyay

कुछ कही - कुछ अनकही

हर रात जब मैं सपनो की दुनिया में होता हूँ,
ऐसा लगता है, तुम्हारे होठों की नमी मेरे होठों को छेड़ रही है |
तुम मेरे पास होती हो तो तुम्हारे होंठ कांपने लगते है,
ऐसा लगता है, जैसे एक अनकही सी हवा मेरे कानों को छु रही है|

तुम सांस लेती हो तो तुम्हारी हर सांस,
मेरे दिल को धडकनों से भर देती है|
तुम मुझे चोरी-चोरी देखकर चुपके-चुपके मुस्कुराती हो तो,
तुम्हारी मृदु मुस्कान मेरे अंतरतम को गहराई से छु जाती है|

तुम जिस रास्ते से होकर हर रोज चलती हो,
उस रास्ते से होकर मेरी आहट तुम्हारे पास आती है|
तुम जिस रास्ते पे चलकर मुझसे दूर जाती हो,
उस रास्ते से होकर तुम्हारी खुशबू मेरे पास आती है|

तुम्हारी मासूम चेहरे पर गहरी काली पलकें झपकती हैं तो,
मेरे दिल के हर स्पंदन में तुम्हारी मासूमियत कैद हो जाती है|
तुम्हारी काली जुल्फों में जब मेरी निगाहें गूम हो जाती है तो,
मेरी धड़कन, मेरी निगाहों का पता पूछने के लिए, तुम्हारे धड़कन के पास चली जाती है|

All Rights Reserved: रोशन उपाध्याय

Untitled - Why?

I talk less with people but I am not shy,

I have a soft corner, which is hard but not so dry,

I like people with personality but I never pry,

I have feathers of thought but I can't fly,

I have tears in my eyes but I can't cry,

I have guts deep within but I can't try,

Can anyone make me understand Why? Why? Why?

This may be the reason I titled this poem untitled-why?

(To all those who want to know Me & my inner conscience)


All Rights Reserved: Roshan Upadhyay

Maps for Lost Lovers

I am reading this book, written by Nadeem Aslam, the author of the award winning Season of the Rainbirds (1993). Born in Pakistan, he now lives in England.

From the Blurb:
In an unnamed English town Jugnu and his lover Chanda have disappeared. Rumours abound in the close-knit Pakistani community, and then on a snow-covered January morning Chanda's brothers are arrested for murder. Telling the story of the next twelve months, Maps for Lost Lovers opens the heart of a family at the crossroads of culture, community, nationality and religion, and expresses their pain in a language that is arrestingly poetic.

A Paragraph from Page 11:
A child in a house full of lonely migrant workers, she was the focus of everyone’s tenderness. It was a time in England (AROUND 1950’s in the story) when the white attitude towards the dark-skinned foreigners was just beginning to go from I don’t want to see them or work next to them to I don’t mind working next to them if I’m forced to, as long as I don’t have to speak to them, an attitude that would change again within the next ten years to I don’t mind speaking to them when I have to in the work place, as long as I don’t have to talk to them outside the working hours, and then in another ten years to I don’t mind them socializing in the same place as me if they must, as long as I don’t have to live next to them.

A riddle from the book, page 16:
"Twelve or so princess deep in conversation in their palace, huddled in a circle."

Whats the answer???? Keep visiting my blog, I will post the answer in couple of weeks.

[Longlisted for THE Man BOOKER PRIZE 2004, and winner of the 2005 Kiriyama Prize]
[Will cost you 360 Nepali Rupees, if you can bargain, may be lesser...]

Silly Questions

?.. What is the shortest joke in the field of computers?
Ans: A keyboard without the keys Ctrl, Alt and Del.

?.. What is Cyber phobia ( or Logizomechanophobia)?
Ans: Fear of computers or working on a computer.

?.. What is the fear of long words called?
Ans: HIPPOPOTOMONSTROSESQUIPPEDALIOPHOBIA.

?.. Name a site containing useful information.
Ans: http://www.uselessknowledge.com/

?.. If "Pen is mightier than sword", what is mightier than Pen?
Ans: A Keyboard.

कस - म - कस

वह मुझे कितना चाहती है,
ये मुझे नहीं मालूम|
वह मुझे चाहती भी है या नही,
ये भी मुझे नहीं मालूम|
कभी लगता है मैं पहल करुँ,
कभी लगता है वह पहल करें|
इस "तुम पहले तुम" के होड़ में,
कही देर न हो जाए.
कही प्यार हमसे,
रूठ न जाए.
कोई और तुम्हे कही,
चुरा ले न जाए.
और मेरा दिल रास्ते की तरह,
देखता न रह जाए.

(C) All Rights Reserved: रोशन उपाध्याय

God Never Realized

God took you away from me,
But never knew the moments I shared with you will remain.
God took you away from me,
But never realized your soul was a part of mine.

How can I forget the warmth of the air which you breathed last;
How can I forget the moist of your lips when you kissed me last;
How can I forget the grip of your fingers when you hold me last;
How can I forget the dreams in your eyes when you closed your eyelids at the last;
How can I forget the possessed moments of our life and make them my past;

God took you away from me,
But never thought you can defy his will.
God took you away from me,
But never realized you can still visit me in my dreams.

(I always say to her "तिमी आउदै गर्नु")


(C) All Rights Reserved: Roshan Upadhyay

आखों में आंसू

आखों में आंसु आ गए तो,
धुल को कोस् रही हो क्यो?
थोडी सी नाराजगी से हारना ही था तो,
इस्क किया ही क्यों ?

All Rights Reserved: रोशन उपाध्याय

मरीची - The Illusion

शाम का वक्त था, रात दरवाजे पर दस्तक दे रही थी। सूरज की रोशनी ढलते ढलते, एक मीठी कहानी सुना रही थी। कहानी का सार कुछ ऐसा था, लगा मुझको पहले कही सुना था। मेरे हाथो में डोर थमाकर, सूरज रात्रि से मिलने जा रहा था। अब क्या था वह डोर थामे , मैं धीरे धीरे आगे बढ़ रहा था। ध्यान से देखने पर लगा मैं, उस पहाड़ के टीले की ओर बढ़ रहा था। टीले की चोटी पर देखा, एक दीया सा कुछ टिमटिमा रहा था। उत्सुकता के कारण दिमाग, पैरों को मजबूर कर रहा था। चलते चलते अँधेरा छा गया, पर लक्ष्य पास आने से कतरा रहा था। इतना चलने के बाद तो, पैरो का खयाल करना जरूरी हो रहा था कहानी अभी ख़त्म नही हुई थी, सूरज ने अंधेरे की चादर ओड़ ली थी। अब घर लोटना जरूरी था, रास्ते को देर जो हो रही थी। घर के ओर बढने पर, पैरों में थकावट सी लग रही थी। कहानी इतनी भारी थी, उसकी असर अब भी हो रही थी। घर के रास्ते चलते - चलते, मेरे मस्तिस्क में हलचल सा कुछ हो रहा था। उस कहानी की उस मरीचि को समझने का शायद, एक असफल प्रयाश हो रहा था। (C) All Rights Reserved: रोशन उपाध्याय

This poem was written by me circa 1998/99 and uploaded in the blog in 2008 as compilation. 

Neural Net Expert Proposing

Disclaimer: Beware!!, This post contains weird style of expressing LOVE, and has a high probability of being commented as a CRAP!!

Its high time around the month of February, and many people planning to propose their beloved ones. One of my friend who is an expert in Neural Networks (specialization area in Artificial Intelligence), has sent an email to a girl (who is a Banker) formally proposing her, on this valentine’s day. He is expecting a positive reply when he faces her on “14th February 2009″.

Here is what he wrote:

My dear Beloved (please don’t be surprised if I use this word),

Whenever you come in front of me the threshold logic unit (TLU), up here, starts feeling the impulse. The impulse always reaches to hit the cardiac area. The way you look at me induces impulse at the “nodes of ranvier“. Whenever you touch me the axons transmit love impulses in the form of action-potentials. This signal goes all over my body and your soft words acts as neurotransmitter and travel around again to target the synaptic cleft of the neurons in the cardiac area. When these post synaptic potential integrates, then the effects of these integrated signal potential cause the overall love impulse to exceed a limiting potential. And the activation of my desire tend to fire the essence of love in every cells of my body.

My cells always starts to fire the love music whenever I talk with you, whenever I see you or the moment I think of you. Right now also the action potential is increasing but if you promise to control your threshold logic unit (TLU), I can try to activate my pulses and confess something in front of you.

Dear, I feel like you are the one with whom I can share the heat of the love potential. I am confident your threshold is the same as mine. The need is to activate the impulse to exceed the threshold. Dear, there are basically two values for the love impulse carried by real neurons. 1 - is for the love potential and 0 - is for the resting potential. Can’t we reduce the ambiguity and make a synchronization of our love-potential to a single value?

I formally propose you, let us synchronize the value of our love potential to a digital 1. I am sure you will find a sigma, which will determine the sigmoid of your love impulse so that you can flatter your love curve to match mine. I love you…
See you on 14th Feb… Hugs and Kisses….

—————————————————————–
Lets see what happens, on 14th Feb. I am curious to know. As soon as I know from my friend I will share to all of you. I guess the Banker will have tough time reading this proposal, and checking out her accounts before she agrees (hope she does!!)

A word of caution for this Valentine’s Day:
Don’t get influenced by this write up. Keep your proposal “speech” as simple as you can.

(C) All Rights Reserved: Roshan Upadhyay

When I Got Engaged With........

I was sure that this was going to happen but so soon I never expected. I talked with my parents about her, to be exact, my affair with her. I was excited to get her but my parents were very reluctant of my request. Specially my father said it very often, when you meet her regularly at the college then why are you in a hurry my boy. Have patience and I will really look forward in your favor, but wait for some time. I often heard my parents discussing in this matter but my Mom was not sure of this because she thought that I am too young for all this. But 23rd of July 2001 was the day which I will never forget. It was the day when my parents made the decision and this made my dreams come true. Though the decision was solely made by my parents the choice was all mine. And I am really thankful to my parents for believing in my choice.

When it comes to discuss the first night it is really difficult. The first night was interesting. I was excited and a bit nervous too, as this was my first experience. I was very careful whenever I approached her. There was a sense of delicacy whenever I touched her. But because of her personal problems or may be, because of lack of synchronization between us she paid no interest in me. I tried to convince her but all in vain. I felt bad and a bit frustrated too. It was a nightmare for me and the whole night I was unable to sleep. It is sure that I was not impressed by this incident and the very next day I sent her to her parents house because I thought she need a bit of time to adjust to this relation. The whole day I was sad remembering her. To my surprise she returned the same evening. I am sure this was the result of her fathers counseling. I was happy to see her so soon and she satisfied my desire to my expectations. I can't describe how it felt and I really didn't knew when it was 4 O'clock in the morning. That day I experienced what satisfaction really is, as I felt it from my deep within.

From then onwards she is my true friend and a company when I feel alone. Before we got engaged many close friends of mine said to me that I am silly and getting infatuated with her. But now I am quit sure this was not infatuation. This is what I can define as a real love. Because now I am fully satisfied with her. And the key to the satisfaction is that one must take care of someone to get the best support. She is the one with whom I share my secrets, she is the one who manages all my works, she is the one who entertains me, she is the one who pumped in a whole lot of confidence inside me and she is the one whom I love the most. You must be wandering who she is? She is actually from Kathmandu, with her qualifications taken from Intel College of Sciences, Quantum Institutes of Electronics, Hong Kong based Tiga University and many more associated degrees from all over the world. But with all these special tags she is a pure Nepali because she got the real Nepali touch when it came to the working environment. She is actually my first wife and I love her very much. I love my first wife, I love My Computer.

NB:
1. The problem of the first night was the lack of synchronization between the motherboard and the monitor.
2. I was doing nothing but playing games till 4 O'clock in the morning.
3. Please do not go and search for those institutes, colleges and the universities to get a degree. I doubt if they exist and if they exist please inform me about them.

(This write up was published in the Annual College Magazine "The Net" - 2002, of Gandaki College of Sciences, Lamachaur, Pokhara, Nepal)


(C) All Rights Reserved: Roshan Upadhyay

शायद (Perhaps-Part VI)

चारों ओर अन्धकार था,
बिजली चली गयी थी शायद।
चाँद का भी दिखना मुस्किल था,
बादलों का अम्बार लगा था शायद।

पता नहीं क्यों मैं आसमान की ओर ही देख रहा था,
मेरी निगाहे कुछ ढूँढ रही थी शायद।
एक पल ऐसा लगा बादलों के पीछे कोई छिपा है,
पर वोह तो कोई तारे का टिमटिमाना था शायद।

तारा दिखा, पर अब मेरा मन उदास हो गया था,
उसकी फरमाइश याद आ गयी थी शायद।
आज वो मेरे साथ होती तो,
उस तारे को तोड़कर उसे देता शायद।

यही सब सोच रहा था के बिजली आ गयी,
अन्धकार रोशनी से रूठ गयी थी शायद।
मेरी कहानी का अंत भी कुछ ऐसा ही था,
मेरा आना ही उसकी जाने की वजह थी शायद।

(C) All Rights Reserved: रोशन उपाध्याय

शायद (Perhaps-Part V)

शायद लिख लिख कर,
मैं यथार्थ से दूर भाग रहा था शायद।
शायद में मेरी ख्वाबों का,
बोहत कुछ झलक रहा था शायद।

शायद क्या है,
मैं यह ढूँढने की कोशिस कर रहा था शायद।
शायद का मेरी जिंदगी से ताल्लुक,
समझने की कोसिस कर रहा था शायद।

सायद की नायीका,
मेरी हकीकते जिंदगी में आ पाती शायद।
शायद की बारात,
मेरी हकीकते जिंदगी को फूलों से भर पाती शायद।

शायद की कहानी,
मेरी हकीकत को कही न कही छूती है शायद।
सायद की नायीका,
मेरे अंतरतम में एक महत्वपूर्ण स्तम्भ है शायद।


(C) All Rights Reserved: रोशन उपाध्याय

शायद (Perhaps-Part IV)

फिजा में बहार थी,
बसंत का आगमन था सायद।
भवरे गुनगुना रहे थे,
मनहर राग छेड़ रहे थे सायद।

मेरे दिल की धड़कन अनियंत्रित हुई,
मैं कोई अनहोनी से घबरा रहा था शायद।
कोई उसे मेरी जिंदगी से ले जायेगा,
इसका डर सता रहा था शायद।

वह जिसकी रमा होगी वोह शख्स,
दुनिया का सबसे खुशकिस्मत इंसान होगा शायद।
और मेरा उसको कुछ न कह पाना,
मेरे अमर प्रेम की निसानी होगी शायद।
(The above paragraph is The most liked part of The शायद series)

तभी मुझे लगा मुझसे कोई बेवफाई कर रहा है,
यह मेरा ख़ुद पर शक करना था शायद।
मेरे दिल में एक टीस सी हुई,
यह मेरे दिल का रुकना था शायद।

' रमा ' - wife
' टीस ' - soft sound


(C) All Rights Reserved: रोशन उपाध्याय

शायद (Perhaps-Part III)

मैं उसे ख्वाब में क्यों देखता हूँ?
उसके बारे में ही सोचते होगे शायद।
हकीकत में उससे मुलाकात होती नही क्यों?
यह तुम्हारी ख्वाबों का ही नतीजा है शायद।

वोह हकीकत में सामने आएगी तो?
उससे कुछ कहोगे शायद।
पर हकीकत में उससे नजरे मिलेंगी तो?
उससे कुछ भी कह नही पावोगे शायद।

मुझमे कशमकश क्यों हो रही है?
वोह तुम्हे बहुत चाहती है शायद।
तो कुछ कहने से डर क्यों लगता है?
तुम उसके रूठने से डरते हो शायद।

इतनी देर मैंने दिल से सवाल किया,
उसके हर जवाब में था शायद।
ध्यान से सोचने पर लगा,
हर जवाब वास्तविकता के बहुत करीब था शायद।


(C) All Rights Reserved: रोशन उपाध्याय

शायद (Perhaps-Part II)

आज सुबह मैं थोडी जल्दी उठा,
सूरज की पहली किरण इसकी गवाही दे रही थी शायद।
समझ में नही आया आँख जल्दी खुली क्यों?
यह तो रात की कहानी का अगला पन्ना है शायद.

तुम्हारी खूबसूरती की क्या तारीफ़ करू,
चाँद भी तुमसे रोशनी चुराती है शायद।
तुम्हारे चेहरे की सी रौनक चाँद में कहाँ,
चाँद के चेहरे में तो दाग है शायद।

आज तुम्हारे चेहरे में वो कशीश नही है,
तुम्हारा मन कुछ उदास है शायद।
पर तुम्हारी नज़रों में उतरकर मैंने जब हकीकत से पुछा,
तुम मुझे आजमाने की कोशीस कर रही थी शायद।

धुप और छाव से भी गहरा शम्भंद,
हममे पनप रहा है शायद।
लग रहा है ऐसा के मुझको तो,
तुम्हारी ही धडकनों में बसना है शायद।

(C) All Rights Reserved: रोशन उपाध्याय

शायद (Perhaps-Part I)

रात का अन्तिम प्रहार था,
आंखों से नींद उड़ गयी थी शायद।
पलकें झपकने का नाम नही ले रही थी,
आंखों के आगे अँधेरा छाने का डर था शायद।

उठा बिस्तर से, खोला दरवाजा,
देखा रात अभी बाकी थी शायद।
चांदनी में ओस की बूंदें चमक रही थी,
लग रहा था ऐसा, मोतियों की बरसात हुई थी शायद।

दिल ने सोचा, रात की बेचैनी के कारन,
आँख खुली जल्दी शायद।
बेचैनी क्या थी,
उसकी मृदु मुस्कान की याद थी शायद।

अब आंखों का बंद होना नामुमकिन था,
उसकी मुस्कान का ही असर था शायद।
नसों पर जोड़ देने पर लगा,
ये मेरी दास्ताँ-ऐ-इश्क का असर था शायद।


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